'At Some Point, It's Got To Stop': Meg Lanning Opens Up On Bout With Depression

The most successful captain in the history of Australian cricket, Lanning took a six-month mental health break after the team she led won the Commonwealth Games 2022 gold medal in Birmingham, and went off to work in a coffee shop. She eventually retired after not playing three international tournaments, including the Ashes series, in 2023 but did not reveal her reasons at the time.

"It sort of just spiralled and I was in denial, even though everyone kept telling me something wasn't quite right. I was not in a place to be able to go on tour and play cricket and give the commitment levels required for that Ashes series, mentally and physically," Lanning told 'The Howie Games' podcast.

The 32-year-old Lanning, whose last major international success was leading the Aussies to victory in the T20 World Cup in South Africa in 2023, said it had reached a stage where she lost appetite. She began eating just two meals a day after running around 90km a week, which led to significant weight loss, Lanning disclosed.

"I was over-exercising and under-fuelling. I got down to about 57kg from 64kg. I did not realise (it affected) my ability to concentrate. I didn't really want to see other people...I disengaged a lot from friends and family.

"It was just all out of whack and I kept sliding. At some point, it's got to stop," the seven-time World Cup-winning former women's cricket team captain said.

She also battled demons like many other elite sportspersons do, and most of it stemmed from one question -- "what after when all this is over?"

"I felt very out of control in terms of what my future looked like: 'If it's not cricket, what does life look like if I am not playing?'."

Lanning became more lonely between last year's T20 World Cup and the inaugural edition of the Women's Premier League in India, where she led Delhi Capitals to the final.

"World Cup, WPL last year probably was when I was getting a little bit out of control in terms of the obsessive side of what I was doing. I don't sit still normally but it was just like no days off, can't eat your meal until you've gone for a big run. That's when it took hold a fair bit."

She then spoke about how she was entirely cut off from the rest of her teammates and friends too.

"It was a bit of my coping mechanism, I'd love just chucking the headphones in and going for a run. I could escape mentally. I'd throw the headphones and I wouldn't take my phone with me. I'd just have my Apple watch on for some music, so nobody could contact me," the right-handed batter said.

She did not realise when solitude became a "new normal" for her. "It became an obsession. I could escape mentally, no one could contact me, and I felt like I was in control. Initially it didn't start off as a deliberate thing, it just became a bit of a new normal.

"But it slowly crept into conscious decisions because essentially I felt good, I was light, I could run heaps and I wasn't getting injured like everybody was telling me I was going to."

Lanning added that at one point she was so depressed that even two hours of sound sleep became a thing of the past.

"I dreaded night time because I knew I would go to bed and not be able to sleep. That would make me so mad. I would just get more angry with myself. If you can't sleep, you can't do anything."

However, quite remarkably, her on-field performances never dipped. "No matter what was happening, I was always able to perform. (But) it had become a bit of auto pilot."

Lanning amassed 8,352 runs from 241 international games across the three formats after making her debut in 2010.

She said she had been doing better since giving up the rigours of international cricket.

"I feel like I'm in a good spot now. Cricket is still part of what I do. But I wasn't cut out for the international touring schedule and what came with all of that," Lanning stated.